I miss the days when I believed in love. I miss being attached or dependent or whatever like how I used to be. Everyone’s like “i wish I didn’t get attached” and I’m over here like…. No. Being alone and knowing it’s YOUR fault sucks. I can’t blame others. I literally have the “it’s not you, it’s me” syndrome with everyone. I leave everyone, There’s always something wrong with every person I talk to that either: bores me to death or scares me away from future hurt. The nice ones that won’t harm me are usually the ones I push away the hardest.
I feel confused due to the excess of intercrossing emotional experiences that I’ve gone through this year within a short period of time. Because they’re all different and confusing and I dwelled on them too much, and so they have alltogether turned me into this very strangely unemotional human being. I can’t place a finger on why I feel this way or who I’m even looking for to be with one day. Well, I have a good idea on who I’d want, but I usually end up pushing away those people anyways. It’s like I want to be loved but I hate being loved. I feel like there is something I’m not seeing going on in my subconscious thoughts that isn’t allowing me to feel or send out any emotions other than anxiety and fear. It feels like something always shuts down in my brain when I attempt to open up and feel something. I haven’t cried in months.
I’m not happy or sad. I’m just living. And no doubt I remain positive about life and my future and all that. I’m over my past as well. I just don’t feel like “me” anymore, at least on the inside. It’s weird. I guess I just hope this shall pass too. I don’t want to feel numb forever. It kinda sorta really fucking blows.
I hate worrying people. I hate throwing my problems on people. I hate when people try to help. I hate when people try to care. I hate when people act sympathetic. I hate keeping things to myself as well but I guess it’s better to suffer in silence than bring others down with me.
